Oktoberfest '08 Entry, Jiraiya's Goal by Icelightning

[toadally4boobs.livejournal.com]

Title: Jiraiya's Goal
Author: Icelightning
Beta (if applicable): None
Word Count: 2,655
Rating: PG/PG-13
Characters: Naruto, Jiraiya, mentions of Renamon, brief appearance of Pyramid Head
Pairing(s) (if applicable): None, but maaaybe JiraiyaXRenamon if you look at it squinty-eyed?
Summary: Jiraiya is searching for something, and is dragging Naruto along, but won't say for what.
Notes (if applicable): Lost a bit of steam at the end, and I'm sure there's a couple of Landel's canon inconsistencies with the descriptions, but it should still be enjoyable despite that.
Genre: General/Comedy/COMPLETE Lack of Seriousness

"So why the hell are you dragging me along with you, Ero-Sennin?" Naruto complained for the fifth time in two minutes, irritated that his teacher continuously failed to answer his question.

"You'll see," Jiraiya answered, waving Naruto off as he looked around the end of the hall. "It's important."

"If it's so important, then why can't you tell me what it is?!" Naruto groaned, having to scramble after Jiraiya when the man suddenly rounded the corner without warning.

Jiraiya didn't answer, and Naruto frowned more. While he was certain Jiraiya had something very important in mind, and obviously Naruto was the best person to help him with it, he hated being left in the dark. Well, figuratively. Except it was pretty dark in the halls right now, and Naruto didn't like that, either. That was less annoying and more sc--worrying. Yes, worrying! Not scary at all. Well, not much.

"Here we are," Jiraiya spoke suddenly, and Naruto blinked, turning his head to see what he was talking about; they had reached one of the nurses station.

Naruto's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You better not be trying to steal a nurse's underwear, or I'm leaving right now!"

Jiraiya looked at him in surprise, then laughed nervously. "No, no, that's not what I'm after at all! They'd have their clothes in their second floor quarters!"

"... You already looked?" Naruto's eyes narrowed further--and then closed entirely when Jiraiya bonked him over the head. "OW!"

"No, that's just what I heard--"

"--so you asked about their underwear, then?!" Naruto almost shouted, sounding both amused and horrified.

"Brat," Jiraiya muttered, playing with the lock, and if Naruto didn't know any better, it had almost sounded fond. "Besides, if I was going to steal their 'underwear', as you put it--and don't look at me like that, I'm not that type of pervert--I'd only steal them if they were panties."

"Or bras," Naruto supplied, still looking suspicious but edging towards amusement.

"Or bras," Jiraiya agreed with a bit of a smirk before he frowned at the lock. "Damnit, I don't think we can break this one open."

"Eh? 'We'? I didn't even agree to this! All I'm here for is to watch your back!" Naruto protested.

"I was thinking of using your head as a battering ram," Jiraiya mused absently, crouching to look inside the lock with his flashlight.

"EH!? I'm not a battering ram!" Naruto's protests grew louder, and Jiraiya snickered. "HEY! You're saying I'm hard-headed, aren't you?!"

"Getting smarter," Jiraiya observed, but didn't turn to face Naruto; Naruto's eyes narrowed on Jiraiya's back, because he was sure Jiraiya was grinning.

"If this is anything perverted, count me out!" Naruto continued, not wanting to be accused of being a part of whatever perverted plan that Jiraiya had concocted, especially when they were inevitably caught.

He knew it was something perverted by now. Jiraiya was too intensely focused for it to be anything else. Jiraiya only got this way when he was working on a particularly "critical" section of his novel, as he liked to call his novels' sex scenes; sometimes, this mood was actually plot-related, but most of the time, it was just him writing about the sex. Of course, the other time Jiraiya was in this mood, he was in the red light district.

And Naruto remembered just how it went the last time Jiraiya made him tag along. If Landel's turned out to have monster flesh-eating zombie vampire pirate hookers, then there was no way he'd ever go with Jiraiya on another 'mission' again. Jiraiya at least--

--was going around the corner again. Augh! Naruto once again had to half-jog to catch up, and he frowned as Jiraiya continued walking down the hall.

"Can't you at least signal when you start moving again??" Naruto frowned at Jiraiya as he finally caught up to the man. "I don't know where we're going--I'm just following you!"

Jiraiya smirked a little, "Would Sasuke signal?"

Naruto stopped walking for a moment, considered that, and promptly stuck his tongue out at his mentor's back. Jerk.

"I saw that," Jiraiya called back to him. "Now hurry up, or I'll leave you by yourself."

"What are you, my mom?" Naruto shot back when he had finally caught up once again.

"No," Jiraiya replied, then smirked again. "But wouldn't it 'scar you for life' if I was?"

"Yes." Naruto's reply was immediate and firm without doubt; Jiraiya laughed. "If you're not a mom, then how come you have eyes on the back of your head??"

"Training brats like you would make anyone grow eyes on the back of their head," Jiraiya answered innocently, and Naruto knew he had won that round. "For self-defense."

Naruto had also noticed that Jiraiya wasn't as focused as before--he seemed more relaxed, now. Or maybe he was just in the mood to tease him, as he would sometimes do while he was "gathering information". Or maybe he had just hung around Sasuke too much, and the jerk was rubbing off on him.

He hoped that wasn't what was happening, because if it was, that would suck. A lot. He'd rather Jiraiya rub off on Sasuke anyday.

... except, wait. No. Sasuke becoming a pervert would be even scarier than a monster flesh-eating zombie vampire pirate hooker. And probably more dangerous, too. Naruto decided just then that it was probably better if he didn't think anymore for a little while, just to be safe.

They quietly passed the Sun Room, then headed towards the doctors' offices. Naruto's eyebrows raised. Ero-Sennin was after some sort of medical supplies, then? First the nurse's station, then the doctors' offices. So he wasn't planning on something perverted, then?

Naruto wanted to ask Jiraiya if that was what they were really after, but knew that he wouldn't answer, so he quietly followed Jiraiya down the hall--and then almost ran into him when the older man stopped abruptly. The blonde made an annoyed noise, but Jiraiya was already inspecting the lock of the first office door.

Jiraiya straightened after a moment, then smirked at Naruto and pointed his thumb at the door.

"You weren't actually being serious about me being a battering ram, were you?" Naruto stared, dumbfounded.

His teacher sighed and made a very big show of rolling his eyes. "No, you need practice on kicking doors down."

"Oh!" Naruto blinked, then returned Jiraiya's smirk. "Well, in that case...."

BAM!

The younger ninja then tried the door knob, and grinned back at Jiraiya as it turned. "Not as satisfying as kicking ass, but I guess it'll do!"

He walked into the room and Jiraiya followed him, then quickly passed him and headed for the desk. Naruto hesitated, then closed the door behind him before shining his flashlight around the room. The walls were plain, a desk with chair for both the doctor and the patient on one side of the room with a black corner couch and table on the other side. There seemed to be a table or something behind the desk, but Naruto couldn't see what was on it with Jiraiya in the way.

Jiraiya was fiddling with the computer, and Naruto frowned. Well, he thought it was a computer, but he wasn't entirely sure. It... seemed different than the ones from his world, and didn't look like any video game system or computer he had seen before. Definitely wasn't like the mainframe he saw on a fieldtrip years ago, either. Naruto wondered what Jiraiya wanted with a computer--he didn't even know that Jiraiya used them. Jiraiya always wrote his novels in a bound journal, then turned them in to be typed and edited for content.

"Do you even know how to use a computer, Ero-Sennin?" Naruto asked, walking over towards the man.

"It won't turn on," Jiraiya grumbled, not paying attention to what Naruto asked him.

Naruto started sniggering wildly, and Jiraiya straightened a little as he realized what Naruto asked. "Of course I can use a computer, brat!"

"No, you can't," Naruto shot back, eyes narrowing in suspicion (he was doing that a lot tonight). "You're old."

"I'm not that old," Jiraiya shot back, looking back to the computer and looking distinctly annoyed.

"You can't turn it on," Naruto returned without missing a beat.

"I found the power button, but it didn't do anything when I pressed it," Jiraiya stated, trying to keep his annoyance out of his voice.

Naruto grinned a bit, "It's plugged in, right?"

"Yes," Jiraiya gave him an irritated glance for a moment, then looked back to the computer, adding after a moment of thought. "Brat."

"Maybe you broke it," Naruto offered helpfully.

Jiraiya picked up the pen holder on the desk. "Don't make me throw this at you."

"Like it would hurt my hard head," Naruto grinned back.

Jiraiya sighed and wordlessly replaced the pen holder on the desk.

Naruto grinned wider, saying nothing as he watched Jiraiya continue to fiddle with the computer for a few more minutes. Naruto didn't know much about himself, and Jiraiya was smarter than him, anyways, so he let Jiraiya handle the thing. Although Jiraiya was still old, no matter what the man said.

"So you were after a computer?" Naruto asked finally, as Jiraiya actually crawled under the desk--he was pretty desperate to get that thing working, by the looks of it.

"Yeah," Jiraiya grunted, shoving the doctor's chair back more to have more room before setting his flashlight on the floor next to him.

"Who told you about them?" Naruto's eyebrows raise, actually surprised that Jiraiya answered his questions.

"Renamon," Jiraiya replied absently, fumbling with cables. "A few others."

"Oh, Renamon," Naruto smiled knowingly. "What did you do to her to get her to tell you about them?"

Jiraiya bashed his head on the underside of the desk. Naruto started laughing as Jiraiya let out a loud curse. The next moment, he found himself having to cover his eyes when Jiraiya angrily shined his flashlight into his face.

"Brat, I did nothing to her," Jiraiya growled. "I exchanged information only."

"Oh," Naruto fought to keep his expression innocent. "You exchanged information."

The pen holder went sailing through the air, and Naruto yelped, barely ducking in time; a moment later, he was grinning widely. "HA! You missed!"

"Throw it back so I can throw it at you again," Jiraiya mock ordered, and Naruto just shook his head, laughing.

The Sannin rolled his eyes, and Naruto could clearly hear the unspoken word 'teenagers' in the movement.

"Why do you need a computer?" Naruto asked, but Jiraiya was already working again. "Got a floppy of the latest game or something?"

Jiraiya didn't answer yet again, and Naruto sighed. He was starting to get bored. Even if he liked the company, there wasn't much happening, and the decor of this room could use some work. Landel's could kidnap an entire army of powerful fighters from multiple worlds and universes, yet couldn't kidnap a single decent interior designer? This room would look so much cooler with a fresh coat of bright orange paint. Maybe a mini-fridge and a microwave, and a pyramid of ramen cups. Yeah, and a bed for the patients to lie on instead of that stupid couch.

"This thing's broke," Jiraiya finally spoke again, standing up and shoving the chair back where it belonged. "C'mon, let's find another one."

Naruto groaned. "You're going to make us look for one all night, aren't you?"

"If I have to," Jiraiya threatened, and Naruto groaned, following after the Sannin as he walked out of the door.



A few hours later, and after another batch of non-working computers and another kicked in door in the research library of the second floor, Naruto found himself kicking in another door to the pharmacy. He was glad that they had, by some complete and inexplicable miracle, managed to not run into any monsters so far, but he wasn't sure if their luck would hold out.

"Finally," Jiraiya sighed, walking towards the corner of the room, ignoring all the boxes on the shelves. "This one looks like it works."

"It's asking for a password," Naruto commented, walking over to Jiraiya's side.

"I can crack it," Jiraiya smirked, sitting on the chair in front of the computer. "Shouldn't be too hard to decipher."

"I think computer passwords are a bit different than ninja ciphers," Naruto grinned.

Jiraiya didn't say anything. In fact, he didn't say anything for a good hour or so. The computer said "Incorrect Password" a lot of times, though. Naruto didn't say "I told you so," even though he really wanted to; Jiraiya was already frustrated enough, maybe even angry.

The Sannin finally let his head drop onto the keyboard, groaning. "Damn! How am I supposed to share my new short shory with the rest of Landel's if I can't find a computer that I can actually used!"

"What." Naruto stared.

"My new masterpiece...." Jiraiya moaned.

"You--You dragged me around for hours just trying to find a computer to type up your new perverted novel?!"

Jiraiya turned to Naruto, laughing nervously as Naruto glared at him. "Now, now, it's only a short story! Even I can't come up with an entire novel in such a short time!"

"You're... You're..." Naruto glared at him. "A pervert!"

Jiraiya sighed and got up from the chair, then grinned a bit. "Now c'mon, don't be mad."

"Why shouldn't I be?!" Naruto asked crossly.

"Because those were our secondary objective," Jiraiya pointed at the boxes over Naruto's shoulder, grinning.

"You mean, your nov--short story was our secondary objective and the supplies were the reason we came here in the first place!" Naruto shot back.

Jiraiya rubbed the back of his head and laughed nervously. "Well, uh, yeah."

"I can't believe you," Naruto groaned, reaching out for the first box. "Just when I think I know the end of your perversion, you keep on getting worse!"

"Better than getting senile," Jiraiya shot back, loading Naruto's arms with two more of the white containers.

"I'm not so sure of that," Naruto grumbled as they worked on picking up as many as they could carry. "I think you're doing that just as fast."

Jiraiya ignored him, instead making sure to add enough to Naruto's stack of boxes that he could barely keep them balanced, probably to make sure that Naruto would keep his mouth shut. Too bad for Jiraiya that he didn't.

"I wonder what Renamon would think if she knew you were asking for her help to write porn," Naruto snickered around the containers blocking his line of vision.

"Shut it, brat," Jiraiya half-assed a growl as they walked out of the room, arms almost full and barely able to hold onto his flashlight.

And that's when they ran into Pyramid Head.